Fatherhood by Adoption
Adoption Coaching With a Single Adoptive Father
Several years ago Harvard University and the Center for Family Connections conducted an adoption conference in NY called" The Psychotherapy of Adoption"; there was an implication that adoption is a pathological state and that those involved are sick and in need of treatment. Much of the psychoanalytically oriented scientific literature also reflected a "damage focused" orientation.
The adoption route to family building has always been a normal variation in human society borne out of necessity for the children and choice for the adults. Adoptive families often begin in a state of deficit or loss which makes the goal of becoming well adjusted a more complex and challenging achievement. The great majority of adoptive families consist of relatively healthy and functional individuals, often carefully screened by adoption agencies. They do not necessarily need intensive psychotherapy or counseling however they often desire and benefit from the assistance of an adoption competent guide or coach in achieving their aspirations. Adoption Coaching is not a substitute for psychoanalysis, psychotherapy and clinical counseling but rather a different approach to help facilitate those in the adoption community in "making their dreams come true". Comparing psychotherapy to coaching is analogous to comparing physical therapy to personal training. Physical therapists focus on remedial care & rehabilitation for sick/incapacitated patients while personal trainers/coaches focus on enhancing and promoting self development in relatively healthy human beings. Therapists and trainers may use similar tools and skills in their work but the populations they serve, the aims they pursue, the approaches they employ and the goals they achieve differ.
I define my work with these adoptive families and individuals who are striving to achieve their positive goals as Adoption Coaching. I see the orientation of the adoption coach as focused on working with the strengths and dreams of the family members, not on reducing their deficits and fears; the aim is to understand and normalize the adoption experience not pathologize it; the focus is on the present in relation to the future and not on the present in relation to the past. This approach doesn't require an unwinding of the past but rather on creating and building a better future. For me the coach's intention is to help people develop the understandings and skills necessary for achieving their goals. The coaching goal is the increase of emotional intelligence not the "cure" of emotional pathology. The client is viewed as a motivated individual desiring creative growth, control, mastery and success rather than as a sick patient needing treatment.
Tonight I am going to share with you one illustration of adoption coaching conducted with a young man who has been an adoptive father for one year. One unique aspect of this coaching interchange is that it was conducted entirely through emails. I will present the client's initial email in which he makes clear that his goal of achieving a satisfying relationship with his child was in imminent danger of being derailed by his feelings of loss, frustration, anger and subsequent guilt. My plan was to engage "Kevin" in a therapeutic dialogue to both highlight some of the issues involved in adoptive fatherhood for this Workshop and to investigate the efficacy of adoption coaching entirely by email. Here are the results.
Kevin writes:
"I'm seeking input on a dilemma as I have deeply conflicting thoughts and feelings. I figured I'll just put everything out there and hear the wisdom that you generously share. Here's my story:
I am a 36 year old single male who always wanted to have a family, I decided to pursue a foster to adopt situation on my own and sought out to find a child between 3-7. I had heard of AD but really knew nothing about it-I figured it was something specific to children who came from eastern European orphanages. Needless to say I rushed into this-Shaun (my foster child) was almost 9 when I inquired about him, and I had him several months later. He spent his 9th birthday here with me. His background is that he was neglected during his first five years of life he was with his birth mother. She had AD herself. He bounced around to 2 foster homes-neither of which could handle his behaviors. One of the foster homes adopted his half sister. He also had two residential placements, when I got him he had been at the residential facility for 13 months-twice as long as they keep most children but he had nowhere to go and no connections in the world. He was the first child that I inquired about that I actually got a response for. The social worker got a tremendous response for him-after all he's white, good looking and healthy. I got all his paperwork and thinking that I have a clinical background I read through it and thought nothing in here scares me so go forward. The social worker let him pick between myself and a family with children, he chose me. I figure "this was meant to happen" so go with it. I had worked with with many kids in residential facilities who had dysregulated mood & behavior, could be violent yet many of them were capable of affection and a loving relationship. That's what I thought I was getting-a child who acted out yet was able to give and receive....Wow was I naïve!
Shaun has been with me since Oct. 2006. Overall he's done quite well in my care-his language skills have improved considerably, his social skills have improved slightly and he has been able to be in a mainstream public school where he has done beautifully. There's moments at home where he gives glimpses that he is capable of love and affection but I really think they are more scripted than genuine. I know that he has a connection to me-he looks at me in the eyes, he has said that he feels safe with me. I definitely haven't had to deal with some of the behaviors that some others with AD kids have had to. I definitely tried to shower him with love thinking that with enough of it, he'll slowly learn to become attached and I'd have the kind of relationship I had expected. I also haven't had a lot of support. I'm an only child, my mother isn't alive and my father has been an inconsistent support, and sometimes a hindrance due to his mental health issues. I don't live in a culture where people share childcare, it's more isolated than that and particularly for me because of my family situation. I've done a better job of seeking support, he's gone to respite when he's been out of control and I've needed a break from his behaviors.
Needless to say my hopes and expectations were crushed big time. I didn't take this well-I responded to his defiance, oppositionality, and overall emptiness with great anger and hostility. The thought of never having this "normal" parenting experience made me very depressed and fantasizing how life could be if he wasn't here, if I adopted another kid-one who was capable of the things I expected.
As the dust has begun to settle from the storm I'm able to see more clearly and truly see this most likely will never be the type of parenting I wanted, he will probably never be the type of child I had hoped for and he'll probably never be able to give what I had hoped for.
I've gotten to the point where I don't have the motivation to do this anymore-to try to parent/coach/ whatever you want to call it a child who's made good strides yet isn't able to have the type of mutual parent-child relationship. I have often thought about adopting another (which is what I've always wanted anyway) with the hopes that my next would meet my expectations and be able to have a loving parent-child relationship. I figured that with another child, I'd be fulfilled enough to maintain Shaun and help him the best I could.
Sometimes I think I'm selfish because a lot or most of the time I don't want to be a parent to Shaun yet others endure much more severe behaviors than I do will continue to give of themselves and give up their freedom, joy and happiness without question it seems. Are they trying to be martyrs? Is that what you're supposed to do be a martyr?
So here's where I'm at now-I've gone back and forth about whether to pursue finalization or not. I've spoken to people who gave me things to think about in combination with the fact that his home state has said they won't pay for our therapist if this is finalized I've decided not to finalize. Mainly because I'm afraid of how things will look 3,5,7 years from now. This past summer Shaun almost killed my dog when he sprayed an entire bottle of air freshener on him and of course lied about it. If it hadn't been an all natural air freshener my dog would have died. If he's capable of that when he's nine what will he be capable of at 17? Granted this was a one time incident bit it's significant.
When I brought up to the social worker in Nebraska that I was considering not going to finalization and would keep him as a permanent foster kid when I found out that they wouldn't pay for his therapist anymore she told me-"Our goal is finalization so if you're not going to finalize this may bring him back to Nebraska". Immediately I thought about how I could fight this until I realized that it's really an empty threat. I am going to tell Nebraska that I won't finalize this but he can remain in permanent foster care.
In all honesty my fantasy is that they will find a nice family for him, he'll leave here cleanly and live happily ever after with his new family. I can go on and do this as I intended-to adopt a much younger child who doesn't have the extent of damage that Shaun has. I feel pretty embarrassed admitting that I would like to "trade him in" so to speak. I could never do it on my own but if Nebraska did it I'd be OK with it. I know I'd feel sad, and probably feel a loss at first but my gut instinct tells me it would be a blessing in disguise.
What I'd like to hear is your thoughts, how to proceed, where to go after I realize that this fantasy of Nebraska taking him back will most likely come to fruition. Where do I go with a relationship that doesn't bring me joy and makes life more difficult.
Kevin
My response to Kevin:
Hi Kevin,
Reading how you shower Shaun with your love reminds me of the dangers of giving a lot of water to a person dying of thirst. The ability to absorb is very small although it can be expanded.... a few drops at a time.
My view is that you want to experience certain feelings from your son- love feelings- and you are not getting them. Quite the contrary, instead of experiencing your son's love and being filled with it, you are experiencing his anger and are being filled with it. I think that this is part of the attaching process, developing a symbiotic relationship, both of you becoming a one to some degree. You are being filled with all of his emotion memories as well as his constitutional essence. Your son's experiences of being gotten rid of are filling you and so you are thinking and feeling to get rid of your son. You have the right feelings, they are a sign that you are bonding with him. There would be something seriously wrong with the relationship if you weren't having that experience. When the mother is pregnant with the implanted fetus it can be a disturbing feeling having your body and mind being taken over. I can understand you being overwhelmed. You are "pregnant" with your son. He is changing your thoughts and feelings in ways you never dreamed of and you are changing his thoughts and feelings in ways he never dreamed of. You need help tolerating this bonding process. It's very painful sharing your son's pain. He needs you to share his pain, which helps his ego to bear the load without fracturing. He can then heal and as he does so he will become increasingly more positive. You just need help bearing the emotional weight that your son is transferring to you.
Hi Ron- Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post last week. My guess is that you have a clinical background and perhaps a psychoanalytical orientation judging from your response. I appreciate the optimism of your response and theoretically I think what you said can be accurate however my reality is that I don't feel empathetic enough to take on his pain so to speak. He gives so little and is so draining to deal with that I really get no joy from this relationship. I don't "play" with him or try to do fun things with him as he does not really appreciate them nor are they enjoyable to me. I do think he has the capability for attachment on some level but at this point I've lost any motivation to help him find that part of himself-that's the problem as I see it. Thanks, Kevin.
Hi Kevin,
I'm really glad to hear from you Kevin. I can totally identify with what you're going through.... You need enough positive energy coming back to tolerate all the negativity and indifference. I wish you the best.
Ron
Thanks Ron-now if I can just go into a store and by that energy in a bottle I'd be in good shape!
Kevin
Hi Kevin,
I don't know either where to buy a bottle of that positive energy but there are things that can blunt the negative or make it easier to bear. Are there no mutually positive areas of experience together? Ron
Ron-sometimes when he's compliant and not argumentative I enjoy being with him, can be affectionate. However most of the time I don't enjoy being with him and don't "play" with him because everything turns into an argument and he's just not a fun kid. I've taken him to museums, cubs games etc..but all those things are pretty irrelevant to him. He's perfectly happy sitting in his room doing a coloring book or playing with legos.
Hi Kevin, I'm curious, under what circumstances is he compliant and not argumentative? When my son arrived he was very insecure which showed itself in his being very controlling over a very narrow range of activities. I had all these plans and felt extremely frustrated which I'm sure you know very well.
Hi Ron,
Good to hear from you. Where are you from by the way? I'm right outside of Chicago. He really is compliant and not argumentative when he is getting what he wants, when he isn't being pushed to have to think and he's not frustrated. Even when we play board games he often becomes argumentative and that ends the game. I really don't enjoy spending time with him. I've worked with kids for many, many years and he's just not a "fun" or enjoyable kid. How old is your son and how long has he been with you?
Hi Kevin,
My son arrived from China when he was 11 years old and this June he'll be 16. It was incredibly frustrating for a long time, especially so because he spoke no English, with some moments of it not being so frustrating. It has gotten much better and now I can say that I really enjoy being with him most of the time.
Ron
Hi Ron,
That's fascinating that you adopted him from China at 11. Did he have enough of a foundation that he was attached when you first got him? How is his English now. I'm assuming like myself that you're Jewish? I'm just curious to know if you're raising him Jewish or not really?
Hi Kevin,
My son did have enough of a foundation relationship wise and he made efforts to not so much relate since we couldn't understand each other much but to make contact. I think he was less detached and self absorbed as your boy might be but in its place was more demandingness and aggression. We both were obviously angry and frustrated more times than I wish to recall. He's fluent in English now and can tell me that at time he used to get so frustrated and angry that he'd bang his head into the wall when he was alone and feel that he was going crazy. I didn't know any of this at the time . Often I felt that the only way to relate was to just be with him and watch him play with his action figures and video games. I tried to view him as a very young child emotionally who needed joining and reflective attention. It wasn't easy because he was eleven years old and my expectations were geared to an eleven year old.
Hi Kevin,
After reading again your initial email I had some additional thoughts and I guess the first was why you didn't tell Nebraska you wanted permanent foster care. My second thought was what stops you from adopting another younger child? My thought when reading your fantasy that Nebraska would find a nice family for him was that he now has such a nice family that no other could ever compare to it.
Hi Ron,
It's good to hear from you again. In regard to your email- I did tell Nebraska recently that I wanted to do permanent foster care rather than adoption. At first they told me that they would look for an adoptive home for him if that was the case, then 5 minutes later they called me back and asked if I'd be his legal guardian rather than adopting him. I'm going to tell them though I don't want to do that. I think he deserves a family that can love him unconditionally and I don't think I can do that. He's been successful at getting me to resent him as he did with the former two foster families. He's been with me longer than he was with anyone else and has done better with me than anyone else but that doesn't change the fact-he can't give much and his behavior has made it difficult to love him unconditionally which he deserves.
Hi Kevin,
My opinion is that unconditional love for Shaun is a fantasy that doesn't exist. I also think that someone who can be as caring as you, especially with feeling negative feelings, is a great parent. I think it's easy to behave in a caring way when you're filled with love but to behave that way when you have negative feeling is what it takes to be a consistent and reliable parent. I can't say if you're fortunate to have Shaun or not but I think he's fortunate in having you and smart for picking you.
Ron
Thanks for the compliment I appreciate it. Honestly a lot of time I don't behave in a caring way which is horrible. Like I literally don't care what happens to him. I did when I was invested in this but not anymore. Regardless I appreciate your encouragement and positivity. So where do you live by the way the way and what kind of doctor/phD are you?
Look forward to hearing from you,
Kevin
Hi Kevin,
I think one need to be "good enough" not perfect [which is impossible anyway] and he seems to be thriving under your care so I'm sure you're a "good enough" parent. I'm a Psychologist here in NYC and I am an Adoption Coach. What kind of residential treatment program do you work in? I try to be a "good enough" parent though sometimes I don't try at all and I also fall short and feel like a horrible parent when I do.
Hi Ron,
I don't work in a RTF I work for a therapy staffing agency. I did work in RTF after college. Shaun my foster son has been in 2 RTFs, the 2nd one being for a little over a year. I'm pretty close to ending the placement at this point, I've taken an inventory of how it's affected my health in the past 1.5 years and it's not good. I don't want to put my health at risk for the next 10 years or so dealing with his behavior.
Hi Kevin,
I'm happy to hear from you. I know this must all be pretty stressful on you. I think if it's not a mutually beneficial relationship then why do it, especially if it's making you sick. The chemistry has to be right or certainly right enough to sustain one through the stressful times. You need to preserve yourself Kevin. As I've said I think that you have given Shaun a lot and have really added to his life and he's much better for it. I also think that it's good that you're thinking about what's good for Kevin.
Hi Dr. Ron:
I struggle every waking minute with exactly what you said: if this isn't mutually beneficial and it's making me sick then why do it. The answer that I've come up with is that this isn't a relationship between two adults on the same level. Its been an adult who made a conscious choice to bring a powerless child into their home thus I feel there's a level of responsibility and commitment that isn't necessarily there with a married couple who are considering breaking up. Then I wonder how life would look if I do adopt another child who will be much younger and how will that look in terms of Shaun's role. Has your experience with this been pleasurable from the beginning?
Hi Kevin,
For me it was a question of whether the relationship could survive the disillusionment. It wasn't what I wished for or expected. It was mostly terrible and disappointing and I struggled to find pockets of pleasure and shared joy. This was in the beginning....for at least the first year. It got better, gradually and now the balance has shifted and I really enjoy being with him often but not always. It's still not "my dream come true". It's different and enjoyable in ways I never expected.
Ron. Hearing you say this makes me question if I just don't have the tolerance for this. If maybe your son wasn't as severe or maybe a combination. I guess I'm not the "tough I can handle everything" guy I thought I was. Apparently I can't handle not being treated as a parent. I spoke with Kansas his home state tonight. This is pretty much over, they are going to be looking for a new family who is willing to adopt him. I'm relieved and very sad at the same time.
Hi Kevin,
I think you have the right feelings. There is one big difference between our situations and that is I'm married so I don't have to shoulder it alone and I had support. I surely don't think I could have done it alone as you have and for as long as you have. Ron
It's interesting you say that-I wonder how much having a partner would have made a difference. Then at least I would have been living with someone who could offer something positive in a relationship. I've spoken to Kansas since we last spoke and he is going to return. I'm sad but also relieved. Living with him has caused me too much stress and created health problems. Thanks
Kevin
Hi Ryan,
I'm reading your email and find myself feeling sad and relieved too..I think when you are with a child who isn't so severely damaged as Shaun you will find it a much more rewarding and less debilitating experience. Ron
Hi Ron-Thank you, I think you are very right. I chose to take on the hardship of being a single parent because in my many years of working with kids they've brought me a lot of joy and they weren't even my own. I realized through this I'm just a normal guy who wants the same parenting experience as anyone else. I really feel like a weight is being lifted which is sad to say. I know I've given everything I could to this though, I certainly didn't give up the million times I wanted to do so.
Hi Ryan,
I think raising any child is a burden and sacrifice and having that burden lifted is a relief and also sad because it's a loss too. From what you've said I imagine that you've given Shaun the best year of his young life which is a tremendous gift. You know even the goose who laid the golden eggs had to be fed and in this relationship it sounds like you were on a starvation diet. Ron
Hi Ron-Hope you had a good weekend. Incidentally I had dinner last night with a gentleman who wrote a book on attachment I found very helpful. His name is John Stoller and the book is called Parenting Other People's Children. He happens to have a foster son right now who's from China. The boy is very manageable but has a lot of self-esteem and abandonment issues. Made me think of you as he said that this child is most enjoyable out of the three foster children he's had so far. Hope all is well. Kevin
Hi Kevin,
I haven't read John Stoller's book and that title indicates to me that he must have an interesting point of view. I'd love to hear what you found to be helpful. Ron
Hi Ron-I just found Parenting Other People's Children to be much more readable, human and not a clinician boasting about their successes or crazy like that woman who writes about attachment. I'd highly recommend it.
Hi Kevin, I find that many books which put forth techniques and approaches make it seem like living with and raising a child is like baking a cake; it's just a matter of following the right steps and applying the right formula. I don't know about you but I found that dealing with myself in relationship with a child is a very challenging experience. I not only experienced disappointment in my expectations of what my son would be like with me but also disappointment of what I would be like with him. It has been and continues to be an ongoing process. Ron
Hi Ron-I think what you said about many of the parenting books is totally accurate. I thought Keck's book was like that. I do share the same disappointments both ways you mentioned. I think what helps me feel better about the way I am with him is the fact that I've worked with kids for years, and kids relate well to me so I realized it's not that I wasn't the kind of parent I wanted to be, its that he is not a "normal" kid. As bad as it might seem I've been pointing that out to him more recently with the hope of coaching him to be "a normal kid" since he has no concept of what that means or how it looks. Is this your only child by the way? Kevin
Hi Kevin, I think coaching can really be helpful to people so I'd like to hear about the "what & how" of your pointing things out to Shaun and how he's responding to it. I find timing to be so important...I can saw something at one time to my son and it goes over like a lead balloon and say the same thing another time and he picks up the ball and runs with it. Ron
Hi Ron: It really depends on if he's being oppositional or not, if he is it doesn't work. I'll do anything from saying "here is where you do ____" to, OR When parents do this, kids do this____ Its not real effective because to follow my directions would mean he's giving up control but at least he's hearing something. I don't know how much he absorbs. He has serious receptive and expressive language delays. They are diagnosed as mild but I think they are not minor. Kevin
Hi Kevin,
I can relate to that...I myself haven't found giving positive commands, requests etc to anyone in a negative or oppositional state to be effective although negative commands have sometimes achieved the positive ends. For example sometimes I tell my son when he's in a "bad mood" to not talk to me and to keep everything in.....because if he did talk he'd been in danger of losing his bad mood. Sometimes he'll then get interested in talking.
Hey Ron-I'm laughing from your e-mail. That's a great idea. I'm not sure if Shaun could conceptualize that but it can't hurt to try. To answer your question-he's fine when he meets new people he'll talk to any adult, but he's obviously not good with kids because kids don't have the patience to listen to him ramble on like adults will.
Hi Kevin, What does he ramble on about......how does his receptive and expressive language difficulties manifest themselves? Ron
Hi Ron: Shaun rambles on about anything. His receptive delays manifest themselves in his not being able to process a whole lot at once and he has trouble with recall. In regards to expressive- he tends to not be very descriptive in explaining things and won't always speak in complete sentences so you're not sure what he's talking about. What grade is your son in now?
Hi Kevin,
My son is 15 now. When he first came he seemed regressed like a baby in some ways and I began to think that his regression represented a new beginning. We just met his needs on the level he seemed to be at [i.e. feeding on demand, then toilet training etc..as things evolved he finally caught up with the adolescent stage just in time. This is my association to reading here about Shaun. The image of a baby who just babbles on and just needs the attention of an adoring parent. A young child just in the beginning stages of verbalization...too young to really be coherent or remember
Ron-I see what you are saying and that makes sense and it's probably true. Unfortunately though it's interspersed with oppositional behavior, lying and control battles, so its not exactly this idyllic but please keep in mind that it lacks the sweetness that you speak of. I know Shaun won't be caught up in time for adolescence. He'll probably start puberty sometime next year and who knows what will happen then? Would you consider your son securely attached at this point?
Hi Kevin,
It sounds like Shaun is at the "anal stage" ...my son slowly outgrew that and it's only in the last year that I've seen more real cooperation. I had to pick and choose my battles carefully. The biggest one for me had to do with school homework since my son had in the past been inundated with school work and beaten into submission when he didn't comply You ask if he is securely attached. For a long time it didn't feel like there was any attachment at all....just parallel lives in the same shared space...now he seeks me out more, wants to talk and do things with me and there's more positive energy and intimacy between us yet it still feels pretty fragile. Ron
Hi Kevin, How's it going?
Hi Ron-I just realized this morning that I hadn't gotten back to you. Good to hear from you. Things have been relatively quiet for the past week or two until I discovered a burnt piece of plastic in my room last night. I had a candle burning in my room and Shaun was doing his chore so obviously he took the plastic and burned it over the candle. Of course he lied about this and I'm now worried that this is just another typical attachment behavior that is going to put his being able to stay in my house at further risk. I haven't spoken to his psychiatrist yet about it, waiting to hear from her tonight. How are things with you?
Hi Ryan,
Your boy there seems to be a budding chemistry major.
The analytic literature often refers to playing with fire being associated with suppressed/repressed aggression but I get a sense that he seems to be changing and sometimes a stretched rubber band just needs to pull back. I like to look at constructive outlets for feelings and interests. When my son was younger and fascinated by fire and burning things I took him out and taught him how to build a campfire.
From your last email I was getting a sense of life going along and I was wondering what was happening with Shaun and the State?
Hi Ron-hope all is well with you. Basically Kansas backed me into a corner and made it clear they would find a new family for Shaun if I didn't take legal guardianship so I'm going to go forward with that. I also realize he needs to feel permanency on whatever level he can understand it. In the meantime I'm busy looking for a new job and applied to a program to get my Behavior Analyst Certification. How's everything with you?
Hi Shaun,
Good to hear from you. Sounds like you have a lot of new opportunities on the horizon, lots of luck and success with them. I didn't quite understand what you said about legal
guardianship...are you going ahead to become legal guardian or going ahead with letting Kansas look for another family for Shaun?
Hi Ron-yes I am going ahead with legal guardianship. For his sake I know adoption would be better but I'm worried about what the future may bring. I know I wouldn't feel right if I was him so I have a lot to consider. Kevin
Over the course of three months in a series of guided interchanges by email an adoptive father, on the verge of giving up on his goal of adoptive parenthood with his son was helped to continue on the path to creating his dream of a satisfying relationship with his son. This paper illustrates that the application of an adoption coaching approach through the email format can be effective in helping people achieve their positive goals.
Dr. Ronald Latz
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