Counseling Center for the Adoption Family

Ingrate

Dear Dr. Katz
The most wonderful thing in my life happened when I brought my new baby daughter into my life from China and I am happier than I can ever remember yet for some reason that I don't understand I am feeling less happy with myself than I have been in a long time. All of my unhappiness is now coming from within unlike before when it was coming from the outside. I feel so angry at my daughter and ashamed of my feelings because they seem so selfish and petty in comparison with the miracle of having her.
- Ingrate

Dear Ingrate
Bringing a child forth into the family is an enormous, physically consuming and emotionally exhausting undertaking which engages and focuses our resources and time regardless of the particular path taken to reaching that goal. Accomplishing that is a momentous event but the achievement of parenthood rewards us with responsibilities which place a great demand which continues on for a lifetime. A long sprint turns into a very much longer marathon. From having to give your all with focused effort you shift to the need to pace, organize and maintain yourself over the long haul. The growing awareness of your own needs for rest, privacy and the other aspects of individuality are not wrong or bad but essential to being able to preserve yourself as a healthy mother. It is remarkable how quickly the wish for union with a newly arrived child is joined by the need to also separate which your "selfish" needs represent. Your awareness is a good thing and you need to follow it with good judgment about ways to satisfy those needs while fulfilling your parental responsibilities. You may want to read my chapter "Mothers and Daughters-The Tie That Binds" in The Mother-Daughter Relationship G. Fenchel(ed.) Aronson Press which sheds more light on the dynamics of this relationship.
- Dr. Katz