Counseling Center for the Adoption Family

Notes on Danny

Often when I work with an individual in which adoption is involved, I find it to be an important factor in understanding the case but sometimes it seems as if it is of no importance of all. My first case was a young woman who came for help with her depression and the focus soon fell on her frustrating search to find the right career. For a long time I didn't even know that she has been adopted yet it turned out that that unspoken fact lay at the heart of the matter. Our work on her career search led her to discover an unknown love for computing; which then led her to a search for her birth family who turned out to be mathematicians involved with computers. Her deciding to marry her boyfriend followed which then led her naturally to the decision to have children. She wasn't able to conceive which led to her awareness that conceiving a child represented to her an abandonment of, and a betrayal an assault on her beloved adoptive mother. Her own infertility was resolved on the day that her son's adoption papers were finalized when she found out that she was pregnant.

Successful therapeutic treatment is facilitated by accurate and sensitive understanding of adoption even when it doesn't seem to be an important matter. Since most adoptions involve pre-oedipal infants and children, we might expect that the induced counter transference of the analyst [how he feels when with the client] will be a valuable source of information for the emotional understanding of the client. We may expect that the disconnection from the maternal bond in the oral and anal stages of development would result in deficits in emotional insulation and object constancy and a heightened need for psychological reflection/attention which may be reflected in themes of detachment, loss and rejection and attitudes of basic mistrust and pessimism. We might expect that this too would be reflected in my feelings. In the case of this young woman and Danny, a nine year old boy I will talk about, I suffered continually with a strange and uncomfortable feeling of utter disconnection......and with a continual impulse to end the treatment.

The primary trauma for all people and the prototype for anxiety reactions was thought by Freud to be the birth trauma. "Normally" the child recovers from this trauma during his following nine months of life in the psychological womb of the symbiotic relationship with his mother. For the child adopted in infancy, this healing process is disrupted by the permanent separation from the mother. Reeves (1971) found that it is hard for surrogate mothers to make up for the impact of this loss because they lack the biological unity implicit in pregnancy which can hinder and affect the genesis of the "primary maternal preoccupation" in the mother. For many adoptees placed in orphanages prior to adoption, this disruption of a continual maternal bond is more pronounced. An implication of this is that adopted children suffer from a pre oedipal deficit [in the first two years of life] involving the need for emotional insulation, attention/psychological reflection and object constancy. The self representations of many adoptees who are patients in psychoanalytic treatment seem to revolve around the feeling of being unwanted (Brinich,1990). Frequently, relinquishment by one's birth parents is internalized as having been abandoned or rejected, leaving the child feeling unloved and unwanted (Bonovitz, 2006).

Most adoptive parents are blocked in their efforts to "biologically recreate themselves" and many suffer from feelings of failure, shame and loss. Adoptive parents may also have unresolved internal conflicts and traumas which limits their ability to see the child in his own right and attach to him (Blum, 1983; Warshaw, 2006). As adoptive parents, their narcissistic need to find themselves in their child may be further frustrated and they may find themselves prone to feelings of frustration, resentment, disappointment and subsequent guilt feelings. Their conflict free energy available to meet their child's needs for reflective attention may be limited as a consequence and the child would then be required to use growth energy for defensive purposes (such as reflecting their parents).

When adoptees are referred for psychological help, their adoptions seem to have played a significant part in the origin of their difficulties (Brinich,1990). Studies demonstrate that the full impact of adoption is generally felt when the child reaches latency age (Brodzinsky, Lang and Smith, 1995). Children during this period may exhibit anxiety and confusion as they struggle to grasp the idea of being given away by the birth mother, realizing that they are not biologically tied to their adoptive parents (Nickman, 1985)

We may conclude that the understanding of symptomatic behavior in adopted children and adolescents is enhanced when we are sensitive to the inner experiences, both conscious and unconscious, of both parents and child (Brinich, 1995).

The case of Danny illustrates all of these issues in play. Danny was a nine year old boy brought to me for help seven months ago. Although Danny had been told since toddlerhood that he had been adopted, now as he heard it as a preadolescent, it was as if for the first time....he felt that his life was ruined and his whole world turned upside down and he couldn't think about anything else....he wanted to talk to someone about his thoughts and feelings. Mrs. Xavier, Danny's mother had a slightly different focus.....Danny suffered from low self esteem and low confidence and she wanted techniques to raise those levels. Mr. Xavier, who I eventually learned felt rejected and unwanted in his own family of origin did not come with Danny and his mother but had insisted that Danny be allowed to see a therapist. Danny's parents are upwardly mobile, ambitious, psychologically oriented, middle class professional people. Danny's life was oriented to following in his parent's footsteps. A high percentage of adopted children suffer from developmental delays, possibly as a result of the early developmental trauma, which manifests in ways such as impulsivity and concentration difficulties. This may result in learning problems in school. These factors were prominent in Danny and were compounded by his turmoil about adoption. Danny's parents felt frustrated by his difficulties concentrating in school and in other things as well which I believe symbolized their overall frustration that Danny was not like them.....the apple was falling too far from the tree.

I met with Mrs. X and Danny. Mrs. X wanted Danny to talk about his thoughts and feelings about adoption which he refused to do.....he had nothing to say, he'd distract himself with his cell phone and she insisted he stop "playing around"; he slouched and withdrew and she told him to sit up and talk; she instructed him to talk about school which he was reluctant to do so she spoke about his learning and reading problems until he burst into tears.

He cried out that he was just stupid as he ran out of the office. Danny eventually returned from his retreat to my waiting room and was able to respond to some object oriented questions about school. When I next met with Mrs. X and Danny she told me that her husband was very angry at her for having talked about adoption to Danny. Danny was angry at her too for telling him that he was adopted. He had been upset about the news and wanted to tell his friends at school but his father told him not to talk to anyone outside of the family about it and that just upset and confused him even more. This was my first exposure to Danny's tendency to accept with upset his father's dictums which contrasted with his opposition and anger towards his mothers'. Mrs. X asked him if he wanted to talk about it with me and he shook his head no. He then curled up on the couch with his head in her lap, wrapped his arms around her stomach and closed his eyes. My thought was that Danny was expressing his wish to be in his mother's womb. Mrs. X and I spoke about Danny's adoption history as he lay there curled up in her lap seemingly asleep. Mrs. X asked if she should wake him and I assured her that he was listening intently to everything being said and that he'd integrate it at his own pace.

I next saw Danny when he arrived after school with his mother He was "starving" and mad that his mother didn't have anything for him to eat. He vociferously complained about the lack of food at home as well. When Mrs. X voiced her concerns about his weight Danny replied that there was nothing right about him. He couldn't help feeling starved and hated himself for being fat and ugly. This became a recurring theme in sessions. I think Mr. and Mrs. Xavier who were tall and slender were particularly strict about food with Danny because his short and stocky appearance frustrated their desire to see a son who looked like them. Once I was able to help Danny and his parents understand and accept that Danny was an active, normal growing boy who needed food for energy and that he would slim down after he had his growth spurt even if he never looked exactly like Mr. and Mrs. D. the "food war" ceased to be .

I met with the Xavier family for awhile during which Danny expressed great distress at his mother's unavailability to him because she was with clients and couldn't talk or on the phone with them at home when he wanted her attention. He felt unloved and rejected by her. Mrs. D would feel defensive and Danny felt uncared about. Danny also bridled that she made him move at her pace instead of being allowed to move at his own. He explained that unlike his mother he needed to get up earlier than she in the morning so he had time to wake up slowly and eat breakfast. His whole life was controlled by her. Both he and his father were allied in their anger about Mrs. X's unavailability and over controlling ways. Later when I again met just with Mrs. X and Danny he expressed hurt and rejection about his father's unavailability and his fear of his father learning of his feelings. I eventually understood how each parent came to repeat their own introjected parent-child relationship with Danny and I saw how Danny copied each of them. In addition, it seemed too that he might be reliving his own earlier parent-child relationship with them. Helping the X family to recognize the influence of these early patterns made it easier for them to be more flexible and understanding of each other.

After Winter Break, I was finally allowed to see Danny individually. This was initiated by an urgent phone message from Danny telling me that he couldn't get thoughts of his birth mother out of his mind and that he could neither sleep nor stop crying. When I saw Danny he didn't want to talk about the phone message for it was hopeless and talking would just make him feel more depressed and unhappy. He's been unhappy all of his life and nothing could change that. He was unhappy because he had no family. His birth family? I asked puzzled. No Danny replied and talked about his not having relatives because his parents didn't keep connections with family. He and I then constructed a family tree which Danny augmented with calls to his parents for additional information. He was even able to tell me what he knew of his birth family before the close of the session. The immediate aftereffect of the session was that it spurred the X family to reach out to their extended family.

I next received an urgent phone call from Mrs. Xavier telling me that they had found a better school for Danny but to get in he had to pass the initial interview and I only had one session to transform his attitude into one of self confidence and optimism. Danny came in angry and sad looking. He was adamantly opposed to going to a new school or to making new friends. These were his friends and his school since he was five years old and it wasn't fair that he was being forced out because of one young inexperienced teacher who didn't like him nor would she give him another chance. I thought that his explanation for his leaving "this school family" probably resembled the story he had about the loss of his birth family. I actively joined and supported Danny's grief and anger which seemed to free him to face the challenge of a new school. He went on to pass the school interview and gain acceptance. Two weeks later I received another urgent message from Mrs. X who was upset with Danny's level of anxiety and stated that if I couldn't give him exercises to manage it then they'd find a therapist that could. I invited Mr. and Mrs. X to come in for the next session. I explained to them why Danny couldn't self apply techniques once the anxiety hit because it was so strong. I told them many things that they could do to lower his level of anxiety which included reducing criticism and correction of his work which both angered Danny and lowered his self confidence and modeled how they could raise his self esteem by recognizing and praising his constructive efforts. I pointed out how Danny modeled himself after them and I gave them techniques for managing and calming their own anxiety for Danny to see.

The next week Danny came in and announced that he was extremely depressed about his school performance but didn't want to talk about it. He lied down on the couch and closed his eyes. I encouraged him to relax and spoke to him about how well he was doing in school focusing, writing, thinking, remembering, talking, cooperating, doing homework, analyzing, designing etc and that soon all of his depression would be gone and he'd be feeling happy and good about himself.. This was repeated periodically while Danny lay on the couch with his eyes closed and he left with a smile on his face.

I didn't see Danny again for several months. His parents explained that he was feeling much better and because of some business dealings of their own, they couldn't afford to have Danny see me for now. One day I received an urgent call from a crying and distraught Danny who said that he wanted to come to talk to me. I gave him an appointment and a little while later Mrs. Xavier called to say that Danny would be calling me and could I please give him an appointment. She explained that he was in intense tutoring and had become completely apathetic and she was concerned he wouldn't pass his courses. Danny arrived a few days later very depressed and sullen. He felt like killing himself he spit out and then proceeded to describe how relentlessly his parents criticized everything he did, rewrote his papers, nothing he could do was good enough for them so he's going to stop trying. He was criticized and blamed for everything so why do anything. Danny "got everything off of his chest" and left. Once more awhile later I heard from Danny's mother who called to say that Danny had been stealing money from her and they wanted to severely punish him what did I think of that. I asked if she and her husband could hold off on punishing him until I could speak with him to evaluate the situation and then I would talk to them about it. They agreed and I met with Danny. I met with a very angry depressed looking boy who spoke with bitterness and hurt that his parents were so busy with their business that they never had time for him. He spent his time alone or with his friends in the playground. After the session his mother called to tell me that the whole family had been under a lot of stress and they were going to take a much needed vacation. So far since then I'm assuming that no news is good news.

In conclusion two comments:

1. I believe the induced counter transference reflected the effect of Danny's early experience of rejection while in a symbiotic relationship and that recognition and understanding of that helped me to increase my empathy which countered the urge to reject. I also came to understand that Danny wasn't unrelated but rather he was relating in an emotionally genuine way.

2. In psychoanalysis, analytic reconstruction of early life substitutes for memory recovery and understanding the narcissistic counter transference is vital to that process.