Post Adoption Coaching and Consulting

Dear Dr. Katz
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Dear Dr. Katz
My daughter, age 13, and I have a very close relationship. Lately she has told me that she feels sad and upset that she wasn't born to me. How do I respond when she tells me that?

- Also Sad

Dear Also Sad
Adolescence is a time of change when kids rapidly mature and become capable of greater separation from their parents. This can be frightening to them and in reaction call forth a wish for greater reassuring closeness. Your daughter is seeking greater emotional closeness with you which you can give her by reflecting her feelings with your own feelings. By telling her you also feel sad and wish you had given birth to her it puts you "on the same page" and "in the same boat" which can further your closeness and be comforting.

- Dr. Katz

Dear Dr. Katz
At my cousin's birthday party for his adopted one year old daughter, everyone was "oohing & ahing" over how cute she was. I felt very upset when I overheard my five year old (who is also adopted) ask our friend "if mommy was going to get rid of me" in reaction to the baby's getting everyone's attention. What is that about?

- Very Upset

Dear Very Upset
When children are born and experience the separation from their mother it is a frightening experience which they can gradually recover from. When this separation is followed by another one, especially one of a more permanent nature, it can leave in its wake a long lasting emotional "scar" of insecurity which may fade over time but not disappear. At the party, experiencing the loss of love when everyone gave the baby their attention and the reminder of her own previous loss (by adoption) aroused in your daughter the old but not totally gone fear that she could lose her mother yet again.

- Dr. Katz

Dear Dr. Katz
Last year I took my daughter on a trip to China to enrich her cultural roots and she had a panic attack on the trip over. I am concerned about taking her on another trip. Could you offer me some feedback?

- Concerned

Dear Concerned
It's possible that your daughter felt that you were returning to China to reject her. That old memory of previous rejection in China could be buried in her mind and received fresh stimulation by the trip. For future trips, give your daughter the reassurance that it's just for sightseeing and that she'll be returning with you.

- Dr. Katz

Dear Dr. Katz
I am a social worker who is treating an adoptive mother in psychotherapy. She and her "significant other" get into terrible arguments which neither can stand. They are unable to talk without provoking each other to explode. She wants him to go into his own psychotherapy in order to keep the family together. He refuses and doesn't want to be labeled "sick". My client is satisfied with her own treatment and doesn't want any additional treatment. She needs her individual treatment and he probably does as well. What can I do to help them?

- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated
Clearly the most important objective is to keep the family intact. That might best be achieved if the "significant other" had his own treatment and perhaps for the couple to see a couple therapist but that is not possible at the moment. The immediate need is their being able to talk to each other in a way that neither of them feels hurt or threatened by the other. For that to take place they seem to require the presence of an objective third party who is trained to help them communicate yet doesn't carry the threatening title of therapist. For that they could consult with an adoption coach or with clergy who may be trained in those skills and may possess awareness of the possible adoption issues involved. Good communication is at the heart of successful relationships. Being able to engage in non-destructive dialogue helps maintain a relationship. The ability to communicate with love and understanding helps it thrive. Studies show that adopted children do best in families with good communication.

- Dr. Katz

Dear Dr. Katz
My husband often loses his temper whenever I give him a bad school report about our son and I can't stand it. I stopped giving him bad news reports because I fear he will lose his temper with me. When he finally gets the report card he gets doubly mad both at the report and the fact that I was keeping things from him. What can I do?

In a bind

Dear in a bind
Two different things seem to be going on. The first is that your husband is not taking responsibility for his own out of control behavior and his part in stifling communication between the two of you. The second is that you are treating your belief that he will lose his temper as a definite fact. In your letter you indicate that he "often" loses his temper but evidently sometimes he doesn't. I know that when you believe he is going to lose it you feel upset and that feels emotionally true but it might not be factually true. If you first check out the validity of your belief by asking him if he would lose his temper with you should you give him a bad report about your son then you will really know where you stand. You can't solve a problem if you don't really have it. Let's suppose that your belief is valid and he says yes he would get angry. Then you can put your bind in his lap so that he has to take responsibility for it by for example saying "now look here husband, you want to hear all the news about our son good or bad and you don't want me to hide it from you. I don't mind doing that on the condition that I not get punished for trying to please you and I do feel very punished when you yell at me. So what's to be done? I will try to give you what you want if you are willing to try to give me what I want". Should your husband actually commit himself to trying to control himself, then he would be more likely to succeed at doing it. Either way, you won't be in the bind alone, he will be sharing it with you and in unity there is strength.

- Dr. Katz

Dear Dr. Katz
The most wonderful thing in my life happened when I brought my new baby daughter into my life from China and I am happier than I can ever remember yet for some reason that I don't understand I am feeling less happy with myself than I have been in a long time. All of my unhappiness is now coming from within unlike before when it was coming from the outside. I feel so angry at my daughter and ashamed of my feelings because they seem so selfish and petty in comparison with the miracle of having her.

- Ingrate

Dear Ingrate
Bringing a child forth into the family is an enormous, physically consuming and emotionally exhausting undertaking which engages and focuses our resources and time regardless of the particular path taken to reaching that goal. Accomplishing that is a momentous event but the achievement of parenthood rewards us with responsibilities which place a great demand which continues on for a lifetime. A long sprint turns into a very much longer marathon. From having to give your all with focused effort you shift to the need to pace, organize and maintain yourself over the long haul. The growing awareness of your own needs for rest, privacy and the other aspects of individuality are not wrong or bad but essential to being able to preserve yourself as a healthy mother. It is remarkable how quickly the wish for union with a newly arrived child is joined by the need to also separate which your "selfish" needs represent. Your awareness is a good thing and you need to follow it with good judgment about ways to satisfy those needs while fulfilling your parental responsibilities. You may want to read my chapter "Mothers and Daughters-The Tie That Binds" in The Mother-Daughter Relationship G. Fenchel(ed.) Aronson Press which sheds more light on the dynamics of this relationship.

- Dr. Katz

Dear Dr. Katz
After searching for my biological father for two years I found him and we had a very satisfying reunion. I even found out that I had two sisters. After being an only child for thirty four years, I had the great joy of knowing that I have more family out there. Now I am feeling so unfinished and frustrated because life has already made so many decisions for me that can never be changed and I don't know how I am supposed to feel but I have feelings on many different levels. I feel fitful and frustrated about what I can not have and mournful about what I missed and feel I was entitled to. I even feel angry at my father for not seeking me all these many years. When I last spoke to him I sensed his wife resented my calling and intruding into his life. I sent to emails to my sisters but haven't received any reply or response so I don't know what to do next. The clock is ticking and my father is getting older every day and the chance to get to know him is slimmer and slimmer. I feel anxious and tired and bogged down and don't know how to keep the momentum going and would appreciate your feedback.

- Tired and Bogged Down

Dear Tired and Bogged Down
It was wonderful to hear from you. After reading your letter I can certainly understand why you feel that you have unfinished business. Having gone through a similar experience I can identify with you "having lots of feelings on all levels yet not knowing how you're supposed to feel". There are no rules about the "right" feelings other than accepting and understanding all of your feelings which you evidently are working on doing. There's a lot to sort out especially since it touches on your sense of personal identity. What you do seem clear about is that you want to call your father and get to know him better. He talks to you when you call and you both enjoy it. I think you should focus your energies on this goal. His wife has to deal with her loss of specialness/priority and needs time. The ball is in your sisters' court and they also need time to process it all. That's not your problem...you need to be communicating with your father.

- Dr. Katz

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